Things heard in a bar

I recently had the chance to spend some time in Atlanta. While having supper alone in the hotel restaurant/bar, I couldn't help but overhear another conversation. Apparently it is possible to discuss the merits of wooden handles on guns & knives for an hour straight. By the end of my meal I was thinking to ask, "Do you have a gun on you? Oh good. Shoot me now, please."

more ...

Clutzyness Aside

I especially enjoy using this free audio editing software Audacity. Now that I have a phone that has Blue Tooth and lets me use MP3 files for ringtones, I can download any old .wav file, edit the length of the file to match requirements for ringtones and save as MP3 using Audacity. It's fun!! I'm am even thinking about recording people at work during a meeting using the "record audio" function using MS OneNote, converting to MP3 and then freaking said person out when my phone rings and it's their voice that coming out of my phone. How'd you do that?, they'd say. Freaking people out should be listed in the Top 5 best things to do EVER.

more ...

Shoe Shine Anyone?

Note to self: Do not use an auto-shoe shine machine (i.e. inserting your foot below a rolling brush) when your shoes have laces. 'Nuff said.

more ...

High Winds and Icy Sidewalks Don't Mix

Unless you were living in a cave, you too had the pleasure of the intense winds that have been buffeting Eastern Canada of late. Being a clutz, I've found many strange ways to injur myself but this one was a first.

I left the office last Friday to pick up some lunch. Not 5 meters from the building the wind picked up so much that it began to blow me along the sidewalk. Since the sidewalk was essentially a skating rink (and I was wearing those silly high heel boots I wear to work) there was no way to stop. see note

I was literally blown a good 5 or 10 meters. Hair flying around my face, arms flailing, I flew (along level ground) right off a set of steps ( 2 or 3) and into a parked taxi. Bang! I scared the bejeezus out of the driver. If not for the taxi, I would have flown right into the street. Very close call but hilarious for all who saw the spectacle. I would even say that it was fun. Well, fun if you discount the terror I experienced in the certainty that I would be crushed under an oncoming delivery truck. I'm going to take a picture of the area and post so you all can get a better idea. I may even do a "recreation".

Note: While flying along, I briefly considered grabbing a tree or launching myself onto the empty flower bed but it happened too fast. This by the way is the method I employ for stopping when I'm roller blading too fast.

more ...

There are good monkeys & there are bad monkeys

Yep. It's been a while. I hope the following was worth the wait. This is for you Kathead.

Here are some common situations that can arise at work. Good monkeys will say the right thing. Bad monkeys ... well, if you're lucky they will only talk crap and not actually throw it at you.

You are asked to help out a team member:
Good monkey says: I'm sorry. I'm completely swamped this week.
Bad monkey says: Screw him. Screw him right in the ear.

You are accused of spreading rumors:
Good monkey says: I apologize. I must have been misinformed.
Bad monkey says: I wasn't lying. I was writing fiction with my mouth.

You are asked to attend a work related function:
Good monkey says: I wish I could but I have a prior engagement.
Bad monkey says: I hate you so very very much.

You are asked to make a donation to Centraide:
Good monkey says: That's a worthwhile cause but I already donate to xyz bogus charity.
Bad monkey says: I hate hippies. Hippies piss me off.

more ...

Children, Don't Try This At Home

Although nearly impossible to make my home completely safe - from myself - I have thought of a couple things to do that will make my environs marginally safer.

1. Do not leave the spoon in the blender. This becomes especially dangerous when you forget to put the lid back on.
   How does this happen? You put the spoon in the blender instead of the banana. Forgetting the lid is really just a bonus for the "wreaking havoc" gods to whom I often pay homage.
2. Do not leave very sharp knives (think Ginsu) balancing precariously on a shelf.
   How does this happen? Hmmm. That knife is very sharp and dangerous. Better put that up and out of the way - to be easily dislodged when you grab a plate from the same shelf and thus falling directly on your finger. Stitches anyone?
3. Close the cupboard doors or wear a what I like to call my "cooking helmet" (patent pending).
   What will happen? Goose eggs, of course. A phrenologist would have a field day with me.
4. Do not sleep on your arms!
   What will happen? You may wake up but your arms won't. You will fall out of bed, most likely on your head. Dangerous indeed unless you are wearing what I like to call my "sleeping helmet" (patent pending).
5. Most importantly, do not ever make popcorn in a pressure cooker. Enough said.
   

more ...

The Uncanny Timing of a Clutz

Most people are unaware of this but clutzes have uncanny timing ability. I say uncanny because clutzes, for the most part, are unable to display this skill intentionally. The ability to injure yourself in the most bizarre manner is entirely unconscious and cannot be replicated (or often believed). This ability requires that you time your actions just right - at times down to the millisecond - in repsonse to some external stimulus so as to produce the undesired result. If you know a clutz or if you are a clutz, I'm sure you have often heard this, "How the hell did you manage to do that?!?". Examples please!!

Joan vs The Can
Last night, J and I were walking the dogs. I popped in to the Depanneur to grab a can of dog food for the morning. My little Prince, Mitch, refuses to eat his healthy dry food unless I mix it up with a little bit of soft food. Charlie, the Gluttonous Pig Dog, will eat anything. - and now back to the story at hand ...
As I was walking up some stairs near the Town Hall with J and the dogs, I was swinging the bag that contained the can of dog food and hit myself on the knee. I was able to time the swinging just right so that when I hit myself with the can, it got me just above the knee but under the knee cap as my knee was bent to climb the next step. I definitely hit a nerve - which would normally be protected by my knee cap if I had not so skillfully timed the hit. Result was extreme pain for several minutes (during which J - again, I can't stress enough how evil he is - laughed it up). Now I'm having problem bedning the knee. I even woke up during the night with what felt like a charlie horse - on my knee for cripes sake.

Joan vs The Washing Machine
There is a cupboard immediately above our washing machine which prevents you from opening the lid all the way. In order to keep the lid open so I can take wet clothes out, J installed a little hook under the cupboard upon which I can prop the lid and prevent it from falling shut. Anyway, I opened and hooked the lid, and then started transferring clothes from the washer to my laundry basket. With clothes in hand, I turned from the washer to dump them in the basket and then turned back to repeat. What I didn't realize was that the lid had just slipped off the hook and was in the process of falling shut. I timed it just right so that as I turned to put my arm back in the washer I whacked my head square on the falling lid. I got a nice little goose egg for my efforts. I probably could not do that on purpose even if I tried for the rest of my life. How's that for timing?

more ...

Gots ta have it

J and I went to an interior design show this weekend at Place Bonaventure. There were quite a few interesting pieces but I was a little disappointed with the size of the show. It took us no more than an hour to get through all the exhibits. The "design" aspect was definitely the emphasis of the show. Meaning you could divide most items into 2 types: ridiculously expensive or of questionable usefulness (for example, the juke box fish tank).
Of particular interest to me were the bed & bath sections - being a firm believer in what I call "hard core lounging".

• This stand alone bathtub is quite smashing. Several different models were on display but with little variation between them.
• Although not on display in quite this fashion, this japanese inspired tub looks sooo inviting.
• This bed looked great up close. The quality of the wood seems to be lost in the photo though.
• This designer had a couple interesting pieces a la Tim Burton and his office is not far from where we live.

more ...